Hah. So I might’ve fucked this up. I keep telling myself I don’t get attached, that I don’t give a fuck. Sex means nothing. I thought we shared a mutual connection. Maybe we did. Maybe we do. Now we’ll probably never know because we’re dealing with two independent intellectuals who choose to keep their guard up and maintain a poker face when it comes to feelings. I might do everything in my power to not feel at all, but at the end of the day, I think they’re still there. Fuck this. Trust is something that should be earned, not given. Why do I always put every fiber of my being towards blindly seeing the good in people? You wanna intentionally try and get a reaction out of me via jealousy? Two can play at that game. It’s better this way regardless. Time to finally put this backbone to use.
I promised myself. I broke that promise.
I promised Gracie. I broke that promise.
I promised Ben. I broke that promise.
I promised Jasmine. I broke that promise.
I promised Josh.
Addiction at it’s finest, betraying people’s trust since 2013.
It nearly killed me and I’ll never be the same again, yet the craving remains. Is this what love feels like?
I felt tears beginning to seep from my heart to my brain the other night, drinking as if it were my last. A rare occurrence. My cares wander free, I’m not one to give in. The world was hazy, along with my vision, surrounded by good people, good company, and good vibes. Why did you come to mind? I don’t mean to be another casualty, but it’s difficult to comprehend how you meant so much to me. You found a niche in my being and built a nest in my psyche. Even though I refuse to believe that I ever let you in, your love felt as though it was beginning to mend. Something there, something more. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you weren’t just like everyone before. Drugs couldn’t have solely induced the connection we once had. You’ve lived as many people. All I wanted was for you to be the person I first met. You were the closest to heaven I’ve ever been. All I ask of you is that you refrain from painting me black when I used to be golden.
I’ll be the silver lining around your fence, used to protect yourself from all the world and it’s sharp teeth, cause my open hand and heart think you belong with me.
Did coke tonight and found a new super awesome tweaker buddy. Sorry guys, here I go again. The offer’s too good to pass up. Now I just have to wait until my next paycheck, fuckyeahhh.
I miss crushing the crystals and racking up lines. I miss watching money go up my nose. I miss the taste. I miss the feel. I seem to be missing everything lately. But I am not weak. I know better.
As much as I hate to admit it, I miss the idea of her and how we were before. I can’t shake the thought of all the good times we had. Then I remember how she hurt me, and vice-versa. I’m not going to be that person.
These are the times I wish I were 21 and able to go into lesbian bars, hah.
Relapsed on Friday. 2 points for $15. Plus, the money was probably going towards their bills, since I know they’re struggling. Lost their jobs, lost their old place, cutting down on tweaking. They’re good people with a dirty habit, and I wish them the best. I disappointed two of my closest friends, and yeah, I feel shitty, but not as shitty as I should because I know this will be a triumph. After I use this shit up, I’m done. I can feel it. I know I can do it. No more tweekends, no more binging, just recreational use in moderation for this final ride. It’s bittersweet, to say the least. I’m fucking sped up right now, that’s for sure, but my determination will remain through the roof this time tomorrow day. I don’t need it. I can build my confidence in other ways. Socialize without playing with fire. Lose weight in a healthy manner. I got this.