Old men are offering me money in exchange for sexual favors and I’m actually debating towards accepting. Who am I anymore?
I’m in absolute love with a fucking substance. I’ve learned who my real friends are through using. Those who give up on me aren’t worth my time. Those who choose to stick around and ride with me are the ones I will sacrifice for. Fuck it — Live life in the fast lane; automatic. Chasing dragons ‘till tolerance proves otherwise. Keep those hot-rails coming and keep me high, keep me high, keep me high.
He hurt me, I hurt him. We both fucked up. I think that’s something we can both agree on. He says communication is key, yet he’s inadvertently too naive to realize that that’s an aspect I tend to fall short on. Not necessarily a weakness (As I try my best to always be verbal when it comes to intentions and expressing them freely), but considerably not one of my strong suits. What happened has happened. It’s all been said and done. It’s in the past. Taking it as a learning experience, I can see us moving past this. However, what we must ask ourselves is “Did it alter the relationship? Will things ever be the same?” Personally, from where I’m standing, the moment my eyes registered betrayal, that connection was lost in translation — Without hesitation. When it boils down to it, Biggie said it best… "I don’t chase ‘em, I replace ‘em". So goodbye Josh; hello Harvey. This is the oldest guy I’ve been with yet. Not gonna lie, at one point I found myself aggressively questioning what in the fuck I was (/am) even doing, but somehow, I feel inclined to say that things might be different with this guy. Perhaps I’ve been abusing the meaning of the word “different” and throwing it out into the open too much or too soon, but truth be told, I personally feel my heart’s in the right place, and judging by what this dude’s shared with me so far, I might not be the only one. This world would be nothing without hope, would it not? So here I am, maintaining my head above water, taking chances, and actually making an effort to have at least a little faith. Learn to take your own advice and perspectives are subject to change. If things fall through, then oh fucking well. Nothing new, nothing wasted, just additional knowledge to broaden and help shape me into the person I’m ultimately destined to be. Granted, although even the notion of a predetermined disposition is something I’ve never been too comfortable with, I’m fully aware that whatever may come, comes naturally; there is no preventing truth. The vibe I’ve received from the energy that’s been contributed strikes me as genuine and sincere. We both know where the other stands in regards to what we want and what we would like for it to be considered. I like that sense of solidarity and I’m glad we’ve clarified terms. Of course, I do realize I could be proven wrong just as easily as any of the countless times before, but alas, I’m only human. The way I see it, I’m better off simply letting things happen and just rolling with the punches. My subconscious continues to cavalierly dismiss years of jading, treating the gradual emotional deterioration as nothing more than a glitch. Fatuously embedded desires anticipate even the mere potential for stability. Reaching out to grasp, but never getting a good grip. It knows no rest. Rationalize open interpretations of intimacy and all its forms. Always looking for love in all the wrong places… But god would I be lying if I said the chase wasn’t such a thrill.
Wow jk I passed out shortly after that last post. Not a pleasant combo, however. My heart rate kept slowing down and then speeding up.
On a more positive note, I should be getting my Cobalt back today after work and then possibly signing an apartment lease with the best friend, yea-yuh!
Welp. That was a bust. Promethazine proved to be utterly ineffective. Time to down sleeping pills and Hydroxyzine. Wish I hadn’t run out of Trazodone a while back, that shit would knock me into next week. Oh well, here goes nothing.
My god, going to work all gaked up is the most exhilarating way to help pass time, not even gonna lie. No one even thinks twice about pupil dilation, much less my behavior, considering I’m all over the place even when I’m sober. Every task just feels so rewarding, I can’t get enough. Though ever since I over-amped last time I’ve been entirely more cautious when it comes to pacing myself, re-upping every couple hours with bumps instead of lines. Still working on training myself how to eat, though. That’s something I’m going to need to learn how to manage, if I want to keep from inducing psychosis. Although it may not be the healthiest alternative to benzos, 4 sleeping pills do the job when I’ve had enough and require rest. Now let’s see how well promethazine works, cause it’s about time I got a few hours of shut-eye in… Fingers crossed.
One change that I’ve noticed recently is that I no longer thrive off of being alone. I’ve always considered myself to be an introvert, but now I’m not too fond of the silence. It makes me feel even more lonely than I already am. I need to feel others’ energies. Every one wanted to be around me whenever I had my own vehicle. Now that I have no means of transportation besides my own two feet, I feel that they think spending time with me must be some sort of burden. Things are starting to get bad again, and I wish it would just go away.
My mom calls me a slut and a whore for sleeping with both sexes. I bring them home, she says “This isn’t a hotel”. I stay over at whoeverIfucked’s place and don’t come home until morning, she says “Someone different this time? How was it?” This shouldn’t bother me. I could give less a shit what she thinks of me. It’s my body, I choose what to do with it. She’s the one who wasn’t loyal in marriage. She’s the one who broke fidelity. She’s one to talk. At least I make it a point to not get involved in relationships so that I can be upfront about things and not hurt the other person. Fuck the pain away and fuck anybody who judges me for doing so. You don’t know me. No one does.
Daddy’s little girl isn’t here anymore. The title was a fraud to begin with. Where the fuck were you when I needed you? You never answered your “little girl’s” phone calls whenever she was falling apart at 3am, hacking away at her own skin. You never replied to my desperate emails, begging for you to help and take me away. You never looked for me whenever I didn’t have shelter to come home to. You shouldn’t be allowed to say you raised me. That’s a privilege. You were never there. You were always gone. I was never good enough and I never will be. How could you be so foolish to believe I’d even want to live up to your expectations when I only saw you for weeks at a time? I stopped trying a long time ago, dad. I stopped caring because you never did. You ask for diamonds when you’ve given me coal. You keep saying that I’m slipping, that I’m going nowhere. You think you know me, when you don’t.
Both of you don’t even know the half of it. You think I hit rock bottom that one summer I tried to take my own life? Think again. I’ve spent nights in the emergency room due to overdose, each crystal bringing me one step closer to my grave. You’re not even aware of the hospital bills or the cardiovascular damage I’ve caused myself. Why? Because strangers who have not once judged me have gained more of my respect than the two who brought me into this world. Your daughter died years ago. Sorry you missed the obituary.
I’ve come to realize the only reason why anyone associates with me is either because they want sex or drugs. I give and they take. Did my promise even mean anything to you? Were you sincere when you gave me your word? You say you care, but that’s false advertising. I don’t mean much more than any girl who came before, in your eyes. People aren’t about love and loyalty anymore. There’s no value behind anything. So what’s holding me back? What’s stopping me? I can numb the world from my veins if I choose to. You’re not real.
He’s temporary. Everything and every one is temporary. No one can hold me from my habits but myself.