I miss you, Kendra. I miss you like no other. Not a day goes by that you don’t cross my mind. I wish I could speak to you again, just once. Just to say goodbye. You were gone in the blink of an eye, and nobody quite knows how to handle it still. You will always be remembered. You spread a lot of positivity and love in your life time, and you’ll always be a hero in my book. You were my role model and I looked up to you when I was merely five years old. Guess what? Nothing’s changed. I’m now eighteen and I still look up to you just as much, if not, more. I’ll never forget that one Christmas get-together at grandparent’s house where you stood up for me. Or the time you taught me how to play guitar. Or when you opened up to me at your dad’s house, without saying a word. I knew. I’ll never know if you forgave him or not, but I know I never will. I promise you that.
No but seriously. I can’t even sleep right now the craving’s so bad. I’m restless. Not to mention pathetic. I just scraped little bits from my last baggie and snorted that to try and get at least a little high. I can taste the drip in the back of my throat, but my soul’s not flying like it should. I need more. But I need to save the little money I have until after Christmas. This is fucking ridiculous. I want it so bad. I can’t stop thinking about it. I miss the icy feeling pulsing through my veins. I miss it so fucking much. The couple that usually shares with me is dealing with roommate shit at their house, so we couldn’t chill tonight. I just. Aghhhhh. Make it stop.
But alas, I also don’t want for my dopamine receptors to shrivel up and die so.
I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING DRUGS AND FUCKING GOOD COMPANY FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK SHIT WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK pls
Ughhh I hate closing by myself at work, but hey, at least I got to keep all the tips tonight.
Hah. So instead of attending the meeting, some friends hit me up, went to the mall, and then ended up at my buddy Steve-O’s tweaker house. How ironic. Didn’t use though, even when the offer was literally on the table and the craving was there. Oh my god was it fucking there. It was fucking prominent. Dude left all his shit in my car, too, including keys. So I ended up having to drive alllllllllllllll the way back, only to find he’d forgotten to lock the door in the first place, so all was peaches n’ gravy. What a night.
I’ve officially decided to attend my first NA meeting tonight. Maybe. If I actually follow through with it this time and build up the courage to walk through that door. I don’t know. I’ve been battling the idea of attending back and forth for a while now. I understand they won’t judge me, but I’m worried I might see a familiar face… That they’ll recognize me. None of my friends know just how bad this dirty habit of mine has gradually gotten. It’s not something I’m proud of, obviously. Anyways, I’ve constructed a simple Pros & Cons list to help me take this step forward:
- Losing weight
- Productiveness / Energy
- A sense of motivation
- Increased social interaction
- Creativity boost
- Teeth grinding
- Lack of sleep
- Brain damage
- Losing friends
- Avoiding family
- Dry mouth
- Withdrawals / Comedown
- Price / Money
- Frees the demons I worked years on to defeat and allows them to resurface
It was only real twice. What I thought was a third, turned out to be a fluke. I fear it will never be real for me ever again. I’m defective or something. Damaged. Whoever shipped me must’ve dropped the box a few times, rattling the contents.
Meeting up with my tweaker dude again tonight. Haven’t partied in a solid 2 weeks. This is progress, in my eyes. One step at a time, but never cold-turkey. That’s what works for me. That’s my strategy.
I want to know her, but she makes me so goddamn nervous. She merely touched my wrist to get a better look at my bracelet and I had to catch my breath. How. She’s so full of life and love and those eyes… Fuuuck. She’s absolutely stunning in every which way, but although I feel as though we’d be good together, I can’t shake the thought of her clearly being out of my league from the back-burner of my mind.
I’m nothing but an awkward mess fumbling around with words. I even cringe at the lost windows of solid opportunity I had to respond with something clever or witty or even a quarter of appealing… Come what may, I continue to lack any form of charisma. Akdsankpif.